My last post dealt with a pretty heavy stressor so I thought I would deal with something that is more common for all of us, that scary word CHANGE. When you stop to analyze change most people will ponder over the large changes, such as divorce, new job, moving to a new city, etc. I was thinking today about the small changes, however. Small changes like coming home to find your spouse has rearranged the furniture (something that drives Robert crazy), or having to change your lunch plans because your companion had to cancel at the last minute. Not unlike many of you I am sure, I have occasionally found myself over reacting to some of these relatively small inconveniences. These are the little things that often send my 17 yr old into a tail spin.
Jordan graduates from high school this year and we are preparing for the events that accompany this passage into adulthood. What should be some of the most exciting times of her life is instead a constant source of stress. Is it the thought of change? Unfortunately, it is not. Instead, it is the small changes such as those days when I have to back out of our hunt for a prom dress or her boyfriend can’t make it over to the house for their plans, even when Robert ask her to shave a few names off of the list of people she wants to invite to her graduation reception. While these small things bring out irritability and frustration she has weathered larger storms this year with the poise of someone well beyond her years.
Earlier this year her paternal grandfather (my ex-father-in-law) was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. The family only had a couple of months with him before he passed. She was a steady source of comfort for her grandmother. She spent as much time as possible there despite the fact that they live three and half hours from us. She even kept up with her school work and served as an anchor for her high school news program. She placed third in a high school broadcast competition at the University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa. She navigated this change better than most of the adults. Why is it then that her everyday inconveniences or CHANGES sometimes cause magnificent meltdowns?
Do I even have to explain that her stressing out over a little change causes me one BIG stressor?
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6 comments:
Johnny HATES when I change the furniture. Something I do way too often. It's a change without spending money, you think he'd be happy. LOL He did get me back though....one day I came home to find my living room all changed and lets just say he isn't an interior designer in his wildest dreams.
I smile to myself when I think about how much I wanted girls!! :-)
The worst I've had to deal with was a "girlfriend" calling all the time....and he is only 10!
Ahh, teenaged angst! Isn't it amazing how they can amaze you with their maturity and grace in a difficult situation and soon after become an irritable trollish being unable to deal with a simple request.
I raised four who are now all adults and live away from home. There are several years in their teens when they will try your patience and flay your nerves. Part of it I'm sure is hormones, but I think mostly they are both anxious to be independent and afraid of failing.
All my children have eventually thanked me for their upbringing, even the spankings (used judiciously). They now realize I was preparing them for adulthood. And I have to say, I love the adults they've become.
Conservative Chic - my husband could care less what I change, as long as I do it when he's not here so he doesn't have to participate! LOL
Our oldest is unable to cope with stress. I have tried to explain to her that panic and the inability to think when confronted with a problem leads to unfortunate consequences, and in the right situation can lead to death.
Last summer she struck out with a couple of friends to go to a water park that is about 20 miles form home. She missed an exit ont he interstate and wound up about 30 miles in the wrong direction. She called, and was so upse that she couldn't even tell me where she was, but went to screaming when I tried to tell her what to do to find out. It took about 10 minutes to get her to listen and simply pull into a gas station and ask where she was located.
Stress is relative. Some personalities, like mine and Connie's, become calmer and more in control when situations go bad. Others lose their minds...
I have no idea how we are so opposite from the children...
Robert,now that sounds a little extreme even for a teenager.I think you are right in being concerned for her safety when she melts down like that. I loath to make too much out of childrens' behaviors, especially teens, but perhaps she would benefit from an eval by a pyschologist or trained counselor.
Maybe I didn't articulate well Rocky. She wasn't screaming in panic, she was all upset and not wanting to hear Dad try and teach her to work through it on her own while getting helping her solve the problem.
I think that really gets on Connie;s nerves when I do that, which is all the time, but I think the role of a parent is not solving their problems, but helping them work through them with a process that teaches them to do it on their own.
The eldest just doesn't want those lessons. She wants something fixed for her right now so she can get back do doing her thing. Stress for her is an inconvenience, and something better left to someone else.
When no under stress she is pretty level headed, but once the heat is on she doesn;t cope well.
The best analogy is to compare it with my six year old son. He is playing baseball and is the pitcher. Well, the coaches actually pitch, but he is on that position. When we stand around and talk about game situations he knows exactly where to throw the ball and who he needs to look at and listen too...in the middle of a game when the ball is actually hit to him, he seems like it is his first day walking...lol.
Robert, I have to say, I'm on your side in trying to get her to problem solve on her own. When my children were young, I became very ill and didn't know if I'd live to raise them. I prayed, "Lord, please just let me live long enough to make sure they can take care of themselves." It took several surgeries, but I lived. From then on, I made sure they could cook, iron and clean. I taught them about bank accounts and made them take responsibility for their actions. This did not always make me the best loved person in the house. But they did learn to live productive lives and to take care of themselves.
True story: Oldest son at just 18 tried to outrun a cop with his girlfriend in the car. He took a corner, blew two tires off their beads and plowed into a sign in the median. There was no reason for him to do this; he just didn't want a ticket. I was furious with him, not only for his glaring lack of good judgement but putting two other people in danger! He said WE needed to get a lawyer and that he didn't have enough money to pay for one himself. This is what I told him; "You know that I would fight to the death to protect you and I'd go to bat for you if you're in the right, but you acted irresponsibly and endangered three lives. There is no way that I'm going to help you get out of this." He said he'd probably have to go to jail and I told him I'd send him cookies. I cried myself to sleep that night, but stood firm. I know he was mad at me, but he made a deal with a lawyer, went to court, received a gift from the cop in there was no evading charges or reckless driving. He had to pay a fine and he had to pay off the lawyer; took him 6 months, but he never had trouble with the law again.
Parenting is not for sissies! LOL
BTW - I always loved little league games! What those kids lack in understanding of the game they more than make up for with their enthusiasm.
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