Horoscope or just a message

Now I haven’t posted to my blog since March but life really got so busy for me that I just didn’t have time to stop and post. I was going to school 4 nights a week and working full time and trying to serve as the President of the Buck Creek Civitan Club. I still think that posting here could be a good release for me. Somewhere to express myself when my friends and family are tired of hearing me….lol!



December 31, 2008

It is impossible for you to be content with superficial answers now, and you are impatient with people who avoid looking candidly and honestly at root causes and hidden reasons for any problem or situation. You can become obsessed with an idea or problem until you have figured it out.


Ok so I like to read the horoscopes for fun. Sometimes I find that it is a coincidence how closely it is reflecting what is going on with me at the time. Today was one of those times and I just had to share. As you read the above horoscope it will not be as significant to you as it was me as I perused each line slowly wondering if I was reading the words right. However, those that I have confided in recently will understand.

There are circumstances in my life right now that have me questioning decisions I have made. I am in a war of wills. I was raised by my Dad to be independent and he prides himself on that when he sees that I am capable of many things that some women would not be. I didn’t always draw on this strength as much as I should have but when things got really tough I could always hold my own ground. Consequently, I have also been strong-willed. Needless to say when you put two people together that have these same traits it can result in a lot of fireworks. Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean the pretty July 4th kind it is more like the WWIII kind.

While there are many troubles within the relationship with this person, recently a reoccurring point of conflict has reared its ugly head and this time there will have to be considerable changes made to heal the wounds that have been afflicted. There is resentment still festering from past perceived wrongs.

If a relationship is a bank and each person makes deposits with positive things they bring and withdrawals with the mistakes and negatives then I would say that each of us has made our share of both. Each of us can only see the withdrawals of the other person because until those things are resolved for each of us we can’t begin to be willing to do what is need to heal the wrongs we did to the other. Yes it is a huge vicious circle. I am on a merry-go-round and no one will stop it and I am scared to jump off. What if the landing is worse than the ride?

I have to re-evaluate my goals for the upcoming year. Being apprehensive about what the next year will hold for me is scary at my age. Shouldn’t I be settled and comfortable and on my way to creating a life that I can share with my grown children and future grandchildren?

I have also been re-evaluating my religious beliefs and while everyone tells me to pray about the things I am going through I find that I am conflicted about that. I pray and I want to pray with confidence. Getting past the anxiety that I have eating away at my inside to find that confidence seems a something in the distant just outside my reach. I was recently sent an email by a friend and they spoke of the verse that has been told to be the center of the Bible. ("It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." -Psalm 118:8.) In this context people read it as a lesson in not trusting in other people but in the Lord. At this time in my life it reminds me not to put my confidence only in myself and the decisions I might make while I am thinking I can figure it all out on my own. Instead I should trust that higher power to guide me.

My Co-pilot

I am on my way to be with Robert and his family during this difficult time at the hospital. I decided to bring along Cubbie to keep me company during the drive. As you can see he was't much of a companion....lol! He slept the entire way. I dropped him off with my Mother (so she could babysit) and both she and the puppy were delighted. I think she was as happy to babysit him as she has been my four children in the past!

Life is taking over!

Each day I tell myself that I am going to take control of my life and not let my life take control of me. Some days I am very proud of myself for how I handle things. Some days I feel like I have turned loose of the controls and I am just running on auto-pilot.

This week I started a new position at work. I felt very confident at the beginning of the week. Today I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. I had plans and ideas of the way I would approach my new responibilities. Unfortunately, it appears my boss is going to be an obstacle. He wants the end result (higher revenue) but he wants me to do it his way. If his way had been working he wouldn't have asked me to work on building my division. So I have to re-evaluate how to work with (or around) him.

Tuesday night I was elected President of our newly formed Civitan Club. It is a honor but it also means a lot of time on top of my new responsibilities at work. I don't want to be the first President and fall on my face.

Robert's mother has been struggling with her health and we got bad news this week. Now we have to redirect our attention and regroup. Aren't we too young to be dealing with the lose of our parents?

As you see, eventful would be a good word to discribe my week. So today I get up with the fair amount of enthusiasm and was looking forward to the busy day ahead of me at work. Little did I know that today would just be the grand final scene of my week. While I was working my 17 year old daughter was babysitting my best friend's 4 year old son, during which he got a cell phone and called someone and told them he couldn't find his parents. Soon the local police department was on the phone and my daughter had to convince them that everything was really ok!

Once that crisis was averted it was time for lunch. Just as my thin crust "The Works" pizza arrives from Papa John's I get another phone call. My best friend calls to tell me that she just saw my 17 year old's boyfriend walk into the local Applebee's with another girl. She had already made the mistake of calling my daughter and asking her about it. Seventeen year old girls do not deal well with that kind of thing, especially my daughter as referenced in previous posts. As the take charge mother that I am I immediately (with out eating first) went straight over to the Applebee's and walked in and patted her boyfriend on the back. To say he was a bit shocked just does not do it justice. He had a bit of explaining to do. I didn't let on that I thought he might be up to something. I wished him and his friend a good lunch and left him to ponder what my next move would be. (Now, you should know that the girl was a friend that my daughter is familiar with. I don't buy his excuse for not telling her that he was going to lunch with her but now I will stay out of it.)

Second crisis averted so the rest of the day should be uneventful, right? Oh ye of little faith! We were slammed at work and I was holding my own. Then I get a text message from Robert. My 15 year old daughter is spending spring break with her younger brother and sister at my dad's farm 3.5 hrs away.The text message was simply "Ashley got thrown from the horse and stepped on". Ok, that isn't something you send by text. It took me 5 minutes to get the rest of the story. She will probably feel like she has been hit by a Mack Truck tomorrow but she is ok.

Thank goodness it is 5:15 pm and I can just go home!

For the first time in years I have the entire house to myself all night because Robert is 2 hours away with his Mother and my kids are with my Dad. The journey home gives me time to review all the stories I now have to share with you. Before I can even finish replaying the events in my head my car finds it way into the grocery store parking lot. A cold beer is calling my name. So here I sit watching The History Channel drinking a beer and eating a bag of microwave popcorn. What am I thinking you ask? Life took control again this week, maybe I will do better next week.

Sleep Study Results

NO APNEA!
Now I don't really know if that is a good thing because that means I don't know what is causing the headaches and the lack of rest. They suggested weight reduction and for now just continue on the sleep meds.
I guess the next steps are getting more exercise, watching my diet and trying to relax. There is so much going on right now I don't know if I can do that or not......lol!

Somebody's Watching Me!

No, the title does not refer to the popular hit by Rockwell or Michael Jackson and I am not on the verge of paranoia. I am referring to the closed circuit camera that was positioned on me last Tuesday night. I had to spend the night at a local clinic for a sleep study. The Hilton it was not, it wasn’t even equivalent to the Best Western. I have been experiencing severe headaches when I wake up and I rarely sleep through the night. I have been on sleep meds for approximately a year and sometimes those don’t even help. I have gained weight and I have trouble concentrating.

I was preparing to sleep and as I brushed my teeth the water did not drain from the sink, ok no problem, I am only here for one night. I sat on the bed and my nurse informed me she is coming back in to hook up the wires. As the process begins I am optimistic that I will get a good night of sleep. I mean I am without kids and there should be no interruptions. Unfortunately, I was in for a bit of a surprise. I soon have wires connected to my legs, chest and head (a lot to my head). Then I have straps around my stomach and my chest. A tube is running under my nose to determine if I stop breathing. The finishing touch is I have to sleep on my back, which I never do. If I don't they will buzz my room and tell me to roll over. How do you study someone’s sleep when they can’t even sleep?

I spent the entire night waking up, saying “oh s__t, I can’t roll over” and then trying to doze back off to sleep. At 5 am the nurse wakes me up and says in her oh to damn cheery tone “Ok, time to wake up so I can unhook you!” I was so sleepy I don’t remember the drive home. Luckily, I was only about 2 miles away from home.

Does lack of sleep count as a stressor……LOL!

Her Stress, My Stress, OUR Stress!

My last post dealt with a pretty heavy stressor so I thought I would deal with something that is more common for all of us, that scary word CHANGE. When you stop to analyze change most people will ponder over the large changes, such as divorce, new job, moving to a new city, etc. I was thinking today about the small changes, however. Small changes like coming home to find your spouse has rearranged the furniture (something that drives Robert crazy), or having to change your lunch plans because your companion had to cancel at the last minute. Not unlike many of you I am sure, I have occasionally found myself over reacting to some of these relatively small inconveniences. These are the little things that often send my 17 yr old into a tail spin.

Jordan graduates from high school this year and we are preparing for the events that accompany this passage into adulthood. What should be some of the most exciting times of her life is instead a constant source of stress. Is it the thought of change? Unfortunately, it is not. Instead, it is the small changes such as those days when I have to back out of our hunt for a prom dress or her boyfriend can’t make it over to the house for their plans, even when Robert ask her to shave a few names off of the list of people she wants to invite to her graduation reception. While these small things bring out irritability and frustration she has weathered larger storms this year with the poise of someone well beyond her years.

Earlier this year her paternal grandfather (my ex-father-in-law) was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. The family only had a couple of months with him before he passed. She was a steady source of comfort for her grandmother. She spent as much time as possible there despite the fact that they live three and half hours from us. She even kept up with her school work and served as an anchor for her high school news program. She placed third in a high school broadcast competition at the University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa. She navigated this change better than most of the adults. Why is it then that her everyday inconveniences or CHANGES sometimes cause magnificent meltdowns?

Do I even have to explain that her stressing out over a little change causes me one BIG stressor?

Week's Stress Continued

Bright colors, sculptured fish, happy animal murals and Radio Flyers being pulled by parents; no we aren’t in a children’s museum and we are not here for a fun family outing. We are walking through Children’s Hospital on the campus of the University of Alabama – Birmingham. It is time for Lauren’s yearly check up with Dr. McGrath, her Pediatric Neurologist. A year has passed and there are some behavioral concerns that we want to discuss with the doctor. Lauren has made progress with her speech and other skills, but she is getting harder to handle. Her tantrums are getting longer and more physical. She never sleeps through the night and loud noises cause extreme distress. She becomes exhausted by 5 or 6 pm everyday and this just leads to more tantrums.

While we begin explaining these things to Dr. McGrath, Lauren is grabbing my nose and using it as a handle to turn my head. Then she turns her attention to the doctor and tries to take his papers. Next she is on the floor under the table. I know I will be exhausted by the end of the appointment. We express our concerns to Dr. McGrath and it is obvious that he can sense our frustration. The recommendations that follow are not what I expected. Dr. McGrath recommends medication for my 8 year old baby girl, an anti-psychotic to be exact. The medication will help to calm the tantrums and relax her so that hopefully she will sleep through the night. We more rest at night hopefully it will help the exhaustion she experiences that will help with the tantrums and combined with its effects on her behavior alone. Secondly, he recommends that we begin working with UAB Behavioral Health Services.

While I sit there trying to decide how to feel and what to think Dr. McGrath reassures me that we have been doing great. He reminds me that we are still in a grieving process for our daughter (This is another topic for another day). Needless to say I considered this a stressor this week. It isn’t really a new stress but it has taken a different turn. I left the hospital after the appointment wondering again what was the rest of my daughter’s life going to be like and if I am doing all I can to help her have the very best quality of life. Robert and I have recently joined the Civitan Club. The Civitan International is an organization that helps support research for those with development delays (such as Lauren). They even help to fund a research center here in Birmingham, AL that we have been lucky enough to utilize. It provides us with the opportunities to be proactive for a cause that is close to our hearts. I think this is our way of focusing the stress we feel about our own situation. The cliché “life is a balance” comes to mind now because as I mentioned yesterday this isn’t the only stressor of my week. I don’t want to get tunnel vision. So I will sit this thing on a shelf and deal with the next thing that comes my way.